Game 5 WCSF AfterThoughts: Cathartic Reflections

Oh, I saw you standing on the other side of the room

I got so hooked on your honey perfume

I’m out of my depth

***

For tonight, I’m going to try something a bit different. That game left a sour, nasty taste in the mouth, and I don’t think any one person should be subjected to reliving it in any sense.

Thankfully, I’ve got multiple people here with me, names of Homer and Contra. Homer tends to see things from a certain Victory Green perspective, whereas Contra is much like that annoying person watching the game next to you at the bar, constantly telling you why you shouldn’t be surprised at a bad goal, or why that missed penalty shouldn’t really bother you. Yeah, Contra kinda blows, but what are ya gonna do? People gotta have friends.

All right, take it away, gentlemen.

***

Homer: OKAY, that was INSANE. How did the refs blow that game so badly? Nathan MacKinnon got away with two obvious penalties, including knocking out Chris Tanev’s teeth with this hit that no one even seems to have a good angle of!

Contra: Oh, you mean that incidental contact? That collision? Players aren’t allowed to run into each other anymore? Better get the sumo suits out if you won’t allow people to bump each other.

Homer: Oh sure, the defender specifically assigned to defend MacKinnon, the most crucial part of the Dallas defense in many regards, gets a shoulder cap from one of the best skaters in the world, and we’re supposed to believe it was an unavoidable accident? Gimme a break, the refs let this joker get away with everything.

Contra: Wow, so that means you wanted Benn penalized for his hit on Toews earlier in the series then, right?

Homer: THAT WAS A LEGAL HIT, YOU FILTHY ___________

*conversation has been lightly edited here for clarity*

Contra: Yes, I also believe those things you mentioned about my parentage, but no harm in a mild disagreement.

Homer: And then the pick play right before the Colorado power play, I mean, that was absolute GARBAGE! Again with MacKinnon laying a play that would be a penalty in basketball, without any sort of a call from the officials. Are you KIDDING me???

Contra: Whatever, Steel was looking for that call. Not sure why, either, since the Avs haven’t been called on that play all year.

Homer: It’s the same NONSENSE (ed. note: more editing) Detroit used to do 20 years ago, laying picks and never getting called for it. Why can’t the officials call the rule book instead of just choosing when to even up calls?

Contra: Sounds like someone wants to go play soccer.

Homer: Look, even I know that comparison is a bad one.

Contra: Whatever. The real issue here is Jake Oettinger, anyway. Your goalie couldn’t stop a couple of shots they needed him to save, and that was the difference. Don’t blame the other team because their power play was better and their goaltending held firm. Those are the two ingredients to like 70% of wins, right? Goalies and special teams? Ever watched hockey before, buddy?

Homer: After I visit Nathan MacKinnon’s house, I will bring any leftover eggs and toilet paper to yours. Also, where do you live?

Contra: I keep getting kicked out for arguing about smoke detector laws, so I sleep in Victor E. Green’s suit when it’s not being worn.

Homer: That sounds way darker than I anticipated.

Contra: Oh, it is. And it is.

Homer: Anyway, it wasn’t just skill and generous officiating that won the Avs this game. They also got a massively lucky bounce on their third goal, thanks to Parise being so bad that he managed to actually pass it to Mittlestadt, who put it off Oettinger and in. That goal was garbage, everything was garbage, hockey is stupid and I want to burn down my television and replace it with a poster of Wyatt Johnston teaching puppies to forecheck.

Contra: I’m stealing that poster idea, and as of this sentence, I already have 42,000 pre-orders. Thanks!

Homer: I want a cut of that. Also, you know what, the Stars scored the pretty goals in this one,. That 1-on-3 Robertson forecheck that led to Pavelski’s first goal of the postseason seemed to get the veteran going for a while, and the Robertson-Heiskanen Best-Friends-Breakaway duo was a sight to behold. The Avs meanwhile just threw pucks at the net that Oettinger was out of position for, and got lucky.

Contra: If you call “subpar goaltending” the same thing as “bad luck,” then sure.

Homer: No one knows about goaltending anyway.

Contra: I think even I can agree on that.

Homer: Also, that last-second Lehkonen power-play goal in the first period was GARBAGE.

Contra: What, now you think the timekeeper is biased?

Homer: No, but that’s a good theory I’ll hang onto for next time. I actually meant that the Star’s penalty kill was far too passive on that one, giving MacKinnon time and space from the boards to make a play, rather than over-press and force him into a shot of a less-optimal pass with time almost gone.

Contra: You’re asking professional athletes to wear wristwatches now?

Homer: It was dumb, is what I’m saying.

Contra: It was dumb. But so was that Ryan Suter penalty for holding the stick of Nathan MacKinnon.

Homer: NOT HIM AGAIN!

Contra: Always him, always.

Homer: Can we ask him to take some personal time like he did in the 2020 series, by chance? That was fun. Not having a player who makes everything terrible and dumb sounds great for my team, thanks.

Contra: I’ll make a note of it. Maybe just ask Thomas Harley to give MacKinnon some of his Patented Parise Back Massages at the netfront, eh?

Homer: THAT WAS DIFFERENT!

Contra: Always seems to be.

Homer: But hey, did you watch Esa Lindell tonight? That man was playing a great game, results aside. He had a huge hit on Josh Manson, who earned it. And he also made a diving poke check in the second period to foil a rush by Nathan MacKinnon that otherwise would’ve been a breakaway. He’s stepping up! The Stars will be unbeatable with him playing this well!

Contra: Unless he’s on the ice for three goals against like he was tonight, you mean.

Homer: Who invited you?

Contra: No one. So I showed up.

Homer: Please don’t bother next time.

Contra: Would you like to hear about how Cale Makar made Miro Heiskanen look like a drafting mistake in 2017 by Jim Nill in this game, by breaking Seguin’s ankles and Oettinger’s spirits? You know, Dallas could’ve drafted him.

Homer: Dallas also could’ve drafted Logan Stankoven, or Wyatt Johnston. Oh, that’s right: they did. Also, Heiskanen was great tonight, even when he was clearly trying to respond to Makar’s rushes with some of his own.

Contra: Trying is right.

Homer: It’s not like Toews was much better, basically gifting Dallas a way back into this game after it hit 4-2 by making a bad pass in his zone that eventually found Logan Stankoven on its way it. Some top-pair defenseman he is!

Contra: Yes, and Chris Tanev’s bad penalty on Rantanen wasn’t a bad play, either?

Homer: Rantanen slashed him, and Tanev responded in kind. Even two minutes was unjust, given that it was a scrum started by the other guy by Tanev’s net. He’s gotta defend it!

Contra: How’s that working out for you?

Homer *eating fourth Hot Pocket of the night)*: Fine.

Contra: Do you want to talk about how Dadonov kind of sold the cross-checking penalty by Lehkonen that gave the Stars a glimmer of life in the third period?

Homer: Only if you want to talk about how that sort of cross-check looked like exactly the same play that may have led to Roope Hintz’s injury, whatever it is.

Contra: I don’t want to talk about that, no.

Homer: Want to talk about how Colorado can’t do anything without goals from their top line and the power play?

Contra: Isn’t that most teams?

Homer: Yeah, but with them, it’s like…embarrassing! Bad! They’ve relied on the top of the lineup disproportionately! They have to suffer for that decision, asking so much of their best players!

Contra: Like they did when they won the Stanley Cup?

Homer: Final thing, you total Minkus. Georgiev made a lucky ave on Harley, Benn, and Johnston that would’ve made it 3-2 Dallas, only for that stupid bounce from Parise and Mittlestadt to end up turning things for good.

Contra: This is why you don’t give Colorado the lead, bud. Also, Jake Oettinger needed to make two saves in this one. If he does that, these teams might still be playing. Not much else to say beyond that.

Homer: If you’re as low on teeth as Tanev is these days, even saying that in a discernible fashion might be a stretch.

Contra: I didn’t come here for jokes.

Homer: Thank goodness. Because if so, you’re on the wrong web page. This is like, a Movie Reviews TikTok channel with some rambling about astronomy, from the looks of it.

Contra: Hey, would you like directions to the snack bar before the movies start?

Homer: Sure, can’t be any worse than the thing I just watched.

Contra: Okay. You just have to go..up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, and-

Homer: I pity you.